Stop Telling Kids They're Mentally Weak
Quick answer
Telling a young player they are mentally weak or to just toughen up does the opposite of what you want. It adds shame, kills confidence, and gives them nothing to actually do. Nerves are normal and even useful. Replace the label with a process: a between-point routine, praise for effort and choices, and treating losses as information.
Why toughen up backfires
When a kid is nervous and you tell them to toughen up, they hear that something is wrong with them, and now they are nervous about being nervous. It is a label, not a skill. Kids resent it because it offers no path forward. The mental game is trainable, but only if we stop framing it as a character flaw.
What to say and do instead
- Normalize nerves. Tell them the best players feel it too, and it means they care.
- Give them a routine. A simple between-point reset is a concrete tool, not a vague order to be tough.
- Praise effort and choices, not just outcomes. Reward the brave second serve even if it missed.
- Treat losses as information. Ask what they learned, not why they lost.
The parent's role here
Kids read your reaction more than your words. If you tense up on every point, they feel it. Model the calm you want from them. This is the same boundary as supporting a junior without overcoaching, and it is part of not crossing into pushy tennis parent territory. Give them a process, then let them own it.
The short version
Drop the toughen up label. Nerves are normal. Give kids a routine, praise effort and choices, treat losses as information, and model calm yourself.
Frequently asked
Is it bad to tell my kid to toughen up in tennis?
Yes. It adds shame, makes them more anxious, and gives them nothing actionable. Instead, normalize nerves, teach a between-point routine, praise effort and choices, and treat losses as learning.
How do I help my junior with match nerves?
Give them concrete tools rather than labels: a simple reset routine between points, process goals instead of only winning, and your own calm sideline behavior. Nerves are trainable, not a flaw.
Should I praise my child for winning?
Praise the effort and the brave choices more than the result. Rewarding only wins teaches kids to fear losing and play safe. Rewarding effort builds players who keep competing under pressure.
Sources and further reading
Written by
Bolor Enkhbayar
Tennis coach and founder of CoachesNote
Bolor coaches serious juniors and adult competitors. She builds every weekly plan, reviews the video and match notes, and decides the next job, in person and remotely through CoachesNote.
Keep reading